100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: Shindig Conundrum
by Shenandoah76209
Summary: Mal doesn't care what assurances Inara gives him. Fancy shindigs are just too gorram dangerous.


_Author Alert: Sorry guys, I was really tired when I set up the story last night and picked the wrong file. This is the actual Shindig Conundrum. I deleted the old one so if you want to review the actual story you can. Teach me to post right before I go to sleep._

 **Rules:**

1\. Sheldon/Penny – They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.

2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9

3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.

4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.

5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.

* * *

 **100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: Shindig Conundrum**

Penny, contrary to her crewmate's beliefs, was not born to squalor. That the man who professed to adore her believed such a thing only proved how much he didn't know about her and her history. He persisted in his thinking that she was from the Rim, Deadwood or Haven. Instead of born and bred on Sihnon where she'd learnt to adapt to her surroundings no matter where she was.

He, of course, was from Ariel, one of the core planets. Penny sighed as she regarded the invitation. Their stop on Persephone coincided with the event of the Season. And since her family knew she'd be on planet she had to show up.

"You seem troubled," Sheldon Cooper was the Captain of their ship. He was one of the most well educated men she knew, truly a genius. He'd figured out a month into flying together that the boat belonged to her, but he hadn't cared. As far as he was concerned, she was the pilot and he was the captain. On the ground she might be the owner but he was still the Captain.

"I have to attend an Event. A formal party. Rather like a ball. And its inappropriate to attend without an escort." Penny tossed the invitation onto the table.

"The obvious solution would be to ask Leonard to escort you." Sheldon poured his milk into a cup and took a seat across from her.

"Leonard still thinks I'm from Deadwood," Penny rolled her eyes. "And I'm not interested in enlightin' him." He snorted into his cup and Penny grinned. "Sheldon will you come with me?"

"Penny, I'm hardly an appropriate escort," He protested mildly.

Her grin was wickedly mischievous. "You're close enough for horseshoes honey. And we'll have fun."

"Very well. It is the least I can do for the woman who helps me get yellow cake uranium so I can play around with an old school deathray." Sheldon gave her one of his rare little smiles.

* * *

Mal was not looking forward to attending another shindig. "Ain't I been hit enough this week?" He argued as he was handed a dress coat. "Why can't you take Simon?"

"Because Kaylee won't let him go," Inara told him flatly. "And before you suggest Jayne he's already going with River."

"Why's River goin' again?" Mal knew he sounded petulant but he didn't care. "Last time I went to a shindig on this ball a dirt I got stabbed."

"Well don't punch anyone and we won't have that problem," Inara rolled her eyes. "And River's going because she was invited."

"Great. I've got my little witch taking her own personal merc to a shindig where a lotta violence happens considerin' people don't have guns." Mal groused as he pulled on his coat and began to polish his boots.

* * *

Jayne grinned as he heard the herald announce the folks who'd just walked in. "River, that's my cousin Shelly just come in."

River smiled up at her big beau. "We will go and say hello then. It will be polite and his Lady is very honorable. She funds a research vessel. Her escort holds two doctorates, he is her Captain."

Jayne nodded, "Yeah, he was always too smart for his own good. Gorram lucky he's born on Deadwood or he'd a ended up gettin' cut on too."

River nodded as he gently guided her over to meet his cousin, "Most fortunate." She bowed slightly to Lady Penelope Chang and her escort and waited for Jayne to make the introductions. When he failed to do so she patted his hand, "Jayne, will you please introduce me to your cousin?"

"Oh, gorramit, I'm no good at this," Jayne muttered his apologies. "Sorry. River Tam, this is my cousin, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Cuz, this is my girl, uh, Lady River Tam."

The pretty green eyed blonde on Dr. Cooper's arm grinned up at Jayne. "Don't worry. I'm not the snooty type. I'm Penny."

When Sheldon made the proper introductions Penny and Jayne watched in bemusement as the two geniuses began to chatter about something they found incomprehensible. "Uh, sorry," Jayne shrugged. "River's a sweetheart but she don't get to talk to folks who understand her much. I dunno how she puts up with me. I'm just a rim born idiot."

Penny laughed. "If you're like your cousin you've got a good heart under your rim speak. I know men who're core bred through and through, who look down on anyone they think isn't core, or aren't smart enough. They just want someone they can feel superior to."

"Hell, Sheldon wouldn't care if you were Rim born or had a silver spoon for every day of the week," Jayne smiled. "He just likes to know he can trust folks. Neither of us've known too many a those."

* * *

Mal watched as Jayne and River chatted up another couple, all four of them seemed to be having a good time, which was more than he could say for himself. Inara was enjoying herself and he liked watching her move, liked seeing her happy. But he couldn't quite let his guard down and relax. Five minutes later he knew why.

A short man with silver spectacles, reminding Mal uncomfortably of Niska, was watching the quartet including Serenity's crew with a pinched angry look that never boded well for who was being watched. " _Ō, zhè zhēn shì ge kuàilè de jìnzhǎn_ ," He muttered.

Before Mal could make his way around or across the dance floor the short man was pulling a short blade and raising it toward a slender dark haired man's back. Jayne's expression twisted with alarm as he saw what was happening but before he could react, River was spinning and catching the man's arm, redirecting the blade.

The look on her face did not bode well for the man. " _Dǎ xiǎo suàn pán_ _huài rén_ ," She hissed angrily as she drove the blade into his belly.

Mal made his way over to his crew and sighed as Inara joined him, "See? I told you 'Nara, these type a shindigs are just too gorram dangerous." He looked at his Lil Albatross. "He get's medical attention right away, will he live?"

River shrugged at him. "He attacked while Sheldon's back was turned. This wasn't even a proper duel. He has no honor. No one here will help him. The most they will do is throw him out into the street where he will bleed and die or perhaps walk and find help and live."

"Honor's everythin' Mal," Jayne told him soberly. "Might be Rim but me an' Sheldon know that much. River's been teachin' me."

As Mal watched two security guards walked up and roughly took the short little man by the arms, heaving him upwards and carrying him out none too gently. "Anybody know who he was? Why he did this?"

"Jealous," River murmured moving closer to Jayne even as the pretty blonde edged closer to her friend Sheldon. "Angry over perceived slights. Imagined himself superior. Furious to learn that he was not. Would have killed his rival and then taken his woman, made her sorry for not seeing him."

Mal shook his head. "High society is way too rough for me."

Jayne chuckled and shook his head, "Just the same as goin' to a bar an' a fistfight breakin' out Mal. Clothes are just fancier here."

River laughed and kissed Jayne's chin. "Captain does not like the dichotomy of fancy dress and blood together."

Sheldon shook his head, tucking Penny against his side protectively. "Well really who does?"

Mal smiled and figured he could get along with a man like that. "Ya'll wanna come along to Serenity, have a drink after the party? You can meet the rest a the crew, spend some time with your kin."

"You tryin' to threaten 'em Mal? Or make 'em feel welcome?" Jayne chuckled.

"Oh, do we have to choose?' Penny gave him a teasing wide eyed look and Mal laughed.

"Miss you are welcome aboard Serenity any time."

* * *

 _Author's Note: So I finally had access to my Chinese dictionary. And I just had the idea of Leonard trying to start a fight at a Shindig. Don't think that would work out too well for him._

 **Chinese Translations:**

 _Ō, zhè zhēn shì ge kuàilè de jìnzhǎn_ \- Oh, this is a happy development

 _Dǎ xiǎo suàn pán_ \- lit. to count on a narrow abacus (idiom); petty and scheming selfishly **/** concerned with petty interests **/** selfish and uncaring of the interests of others

 _huài rén_ \- bad person / villain


End file.
